Terry Pratchett Books - The Unadulterated Cat

Real cats never eat from bowls (at least, not the ones marked CAT)

Real cats never wear flea collars... or appear on birthday cards... or chase anything with a bell in it.

Real cats do eat quiche. And giblets. And butter. And anything else left on the table. They can hear a fridge door opening two rooms away.

Real cats don't need names. But they often get called them.

'Yaargeroffoutofityarbastard' does nicely.